Terry’s Take… April week 3: Forgiveness
How do our personalities contribute to our ability to forgive others?
My brother and I are alike in many ways. Most probably because of a combination of genetics and identical upbringing. But in a few ways we are quite different.
In the positive, my brother is more organized, tends to be a bit more thorough and analytical than me. His room was the picture of neatness. Everything had its place. Mine, on the other hand, was…well not so much. I had, and still have, a lot of hobbies and interests. He was always more singularly focused. His sole interest was history. But perhaps the biggest difference was our temperament.
My brother was always a “hot fuse” as my dad would say. If something upset him, he would flare up in righteous indignation like a Komodo Dragon. But his temper was quick to dissipate. Soon his anger would morph into the “normal acceptable” range of human behaviour.
Now take me. I would be a “slow simmer.” If something upset me, I would suppress my feelings. No “out of control” fits for me. I buried my feelings deep within but not so deep that I couldn’t access them when needed and use them to justify my resentment.
If you are personality “A” like my brother, forgiveness can be difficult for two reasons: (1) Since you “get over” the offence so quickly, it becomes ancient history and you see no need for forgiving another. So… though you may harbour no noticeable after-effects of the grievance…you still have not dealt with what must be addressed that lies within. The second reason why forgiveness may be difficult is that by not forgiving another, you rob them of the restoration that can occur in your relationship. Forgiveness benefits not only the one who was aggrieved but offers the opportunity for the one who caused the difficulty to see and amend their ways. By sweeping everything “under the carpet” you do injustice to the other to conform their behaviour to God’s will.
If you are personality “B”… the slow simmer… forgiveness is difficult because you hold onto the hurt and over time…like mint in the garden…it grows and becomes invasive and strangles out the garden’s beauty. The biggest obstacle for type “B” folks is to take all that time we have held on to (and I have known people who have held grudges for YEARS) and let it go and forgive.
When I was working in St. Louis for the LCMS Foundation, my main responsibility was to help connect donors with mission opportunities. One visit I remember in particular was with an older man who had excess wealth he wanted to gift to the church. As often was the case, the conversations with donors could become quite personal and they would tell me stories of their families, the career, their reasons for wanting to donate to the Lord’s work. I noticed an antique shotgun that was mounted above the fireplace mantle. “Is that gun significant?” I queried. His demeanor turned from gentle reminiscence to a hardened retort. “That gun is just a replica of one my father owned. My brother took the “real” one even though I was supposed to receive it. It was even in my father’s Will. I asked him years ago for it and he told me that ‘possession is nine-tenths of the law.’ I haven’t spoken to him since.”
“How long ago was that?” I asked.
“Oh, I guess about 30 years now,” he replied.
Then I did something against any fund-raiser’s manual… I said I couldn’t accept his gift to the church unless he could forgive his brother. He was shocked and told me that he would re-consider his gift and donate instead to the American Cancer Society. I shook his hand and said I hope he would reconsider. About a week later he called me. “Pastor, I was thinking about what you said. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I called my brother and asked if I could see him for a visit. I was surprised when he agreed. I told him that I forgave him for taking dad’s shotgun and he burst in tears. Then I burst in tears and we hugged each other. Then we had a beer together. We’re going to get together again next week for lunch.”
That, my friends, is the power of forgiveness. I’ll tell you the rest of the story about these two brothers next week. Stay tuned!